Horrifying if literal: foot locker
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.