Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Just parrot things
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”