[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.