Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
You Might Also Like
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these