Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Perfect.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

B

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

What?

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.