HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Finally! 😈
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me