HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?