Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Have kids, they said
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Not all heroes wear capes….
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”