horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I want this so bad
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”