Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

No way!

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3