horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears