Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.