Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The options really are this bad
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*praying for world peace*
God:
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please