[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?