HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle