HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”