{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My love language is hissing.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications