Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up