Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.