Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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me logging onto twitter
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.