[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.