[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.