@Shade510 * shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
@Spaziotwat [Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
You Might Also Like
@Shade510 
@noog *playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
@paul_haine If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
@XplodingUnicorn My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
@Try2StopME I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@KyleMakesStufUp How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
@RobertManchild You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
@mommy_cusses So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
@joeljeffrey I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
@DosieDoe *Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.