@Spaziotwat

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

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@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@paul_haine

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@KyleMakesStufUp

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@RobertManchild

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@DosieDoe

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.