[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Jurassic park gets weird
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch