[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.