[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
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SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Yup….perfect score!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me