Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
How I’d get arrested…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing