[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Feels like the fourth month in January
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
what are they serving at kfc then???
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.