[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Waiting for the Charmin
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken