HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.