HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!