Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.