[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”