Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Lunatics are gonna loon.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

remember

only for emergencies

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him