Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My Plans 2020
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.