Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.