hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You Might Also Like
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Not all heroes wear capes.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.