@Marlebean

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

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@hisamwelch

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

@BruceForce

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.