Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

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astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming


Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted



I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.


Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.


Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.