@hisamwelch astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
@Marlebean Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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@hisamwelch 
@BruceForce Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
@ranndrew I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
@canadasandra Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
@kevinrowe1 Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
@JasonLastname First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
@carlyken “Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
@grouper2media If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
@HiddenPinky *puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
@Weird_Rash I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.