@Marlebean I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
@Marlebean Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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@Marlebean 
@ginnyhogan_ I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
@chaotic_sub i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
@bizmichael “Sheer Arrogance”
@ArfMeasures SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
@mejustbeth Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
@Ygrene Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
@Alex_but_online [Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
@jenyb4 The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.