[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.