[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??