[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*skinny dips into black hole
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.