Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)