Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Aaaa…CHOO!
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
My boss called in sick of me
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.