Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
…u ok Nintendo?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again