Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
put ‘er there pardner!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.