Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?