@Social_Mime A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
@lydie_glass “Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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@Social_Mime 
@girlontapas Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
@junejuly12 Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
@slimmy_shady “I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
@SardonicTart [Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
@Storminika Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
@behindyourback *a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
@BacklineNurse Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
@Landon8426 Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
@SvnSxty a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins