“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You Might Also Like
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.