@lydie_glass

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

You Might Also Like

@Social_Mime

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

@girlontapas

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@slimmy_shady

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@BacklineNurse

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins