@OtherDanOBrien

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

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@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@GrantTanaka

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

@Staggfilms

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

@murrman5

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@IamEnidColeslaw

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

@IGotsSmarts

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.