this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.