Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?