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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
yeah 😭
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert