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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
the noise i just made
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.