Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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Mood.. 😂
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.