hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss